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Workpost 83: Making a Gaming Video

Byjack

Need to shoot a gaming video today

  1. “I got a bit of a dilemma”
  2. “This is my Valorant jacket. I got it when I watched the world championship in LA a year ago. I love playing Valorant.”
  3. “But this is the 21 day youtuber challenge”
  4. “I’ve yet to figure out how to connect those two passions together. But that changes today”
  5. “Hi everyone, my name is Jack, and this in the Youtuber challenge, the challenge where I post a video everyday, working not for views, but for the love of making videos”
  6. “There are a bunch of things I’m super passionate about, but haven’t figured out how to connect to a Youtube video yet. And one of those things is gaming.”
  7. “But here’s my problem with gaming. I like playing alone, I don’t like talking while I’m gaming, but I do feel like there are certain things I like to share after the game is done.”
  8. “Here is the plan. I have fun gaming. In between, I’ll do a little bit of journaling, and afterwards, I’ll just edit a video that is fun for me”

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Workpost 68: More Processing

Byjack

Today I feel the need to process more emotions. I got some leads, but I’m afraid to call them. I don’t want to call them at all.

It feels boring, annoying, and painful.

I’m afraid if I call these people that I’m going to be sent to voicemail, or pressured to answer questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m afraid I will say something wrong that will mess it up, or that none of these leads are real.

I feel this burning numbing fear in center and left and right of my chest.

It feels like a plastic cage like a kids toy. It hurts like swallowing a hard candy that is a little too big.

Everyone I’m calling are just people like me.

But what if they don’t want to talk to me. What if they want me to leave them alone? Why do people sign up for things and then decide they don’t want to talk about them? What if I need to act excited and interested but I’m not?

The point is to vet these people, they might not want to work with you but you might not want to work with them on the same token.

UPDATE: I ended up calling and securing one meeting!

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Workspace 21: Be the Underdog

Byjack

I’ve been thinking more about rejection and working through some of my thoughts with it.

I want people to validate me to feel confident being myself. But validation and confidence are completely different.

Confidence is all about being ok with not getting other’s approval and validation, being ok with not being the strongest, the smartest, the most attractive. I want to find a way to let go of seeking approval from everyone. That is seriously holding me back.

The first thing I realized is that I need to be clear about what I value outside of approval.

I love solving difficult problems. I love learning, growing, and improving myself. I love creating. I love meeting new people and connecting with those people on a deep level. I love consuming art and music, writing and dance.

Being rejected doesn’t stop me from pursuing those things. In fact, people who reject me might realize my path is one they admire and want to follow.

The second thing I realized is that I can use rejection as motivation. It’s just a challenge to my ego. It makes me stronger.

I don’t want anything handed to me. The hero has the slay the dragon. I want to be the underdog, and I strive for greatness.

Workpost 80: Recovery and creativity

Byjack

Today I feel like pretty weak and tired from doing a 5k in the morning. But I want to go to jiujitsu later today as well.

So today is going to be a time of hyperrecovery. I need to keep breathing and cough up some of the congestion that built up in my nose and lungs.

Today my main focus is building a landing page that will help increase sales, as well as finishing my business cards.

My strategy for recovery is going to be water and sleep. Lots of naps and water.

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Workpost 26: My Way

Byjack

My Way

Anger in my heart

Ripping tearing

Destroy all the people

Who don’t understand me

Who want to tell me what to do

What I’m worth

I hate them all

With every fiber of my being

If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would

I’m so tired of fighting

I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do

I’m so tired

I feel hopeless sometimes

Like there is no way out of this horrid existence

Where I am trapped

I breathed and breathed

And in the breath

I remembered

That I don’t need to let anyone control me

Only one person can live my life

No one else can touch me

They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me

I can do things my way

I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:

  1. Black Hatred: This is a protector of some sort that prevents other people from taking me off course of what I want to do. It does this through extreme anger against people who don’t understand me and box me into what they feel my limitations are.
  2. Mind Reader: The mind reader is always calculating what other people want in order to prevent the painful feelings around rejection and failure.

I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.

I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.

Workpost 77: High Leverage

Byjack

These days I’m focused on increasing my leverage.

My intuition tells me that three things will unlock the money making potential that my abilities have.

  1. Focus. I need to be ok with saying no to more things, focusing on one thing at a time. Lack of focus is creating overwhelm, which in turn costs me my productivity.
  2. Fear of rejection. My fear of rejection holds me back from doing things that would instantly make me more money.
  3. Youtube and content creation. This is a communication/art skill that has tremendously high leverage if I can figure it out.

Currently, I don’t have much time every day because I go for a run everyday and I am working on my vision and taking care of my health. That means I have perhaps 3 or 4 hours of good working time.

I originally was thinking about giving up or changing this practice I have so I’m less tired and can work more, but I’m actually gonna practice something different, which is saying no to more things.

Workpost 84: Focus

Byjack

I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not going to bed at a reasonable time. Not brushing my teeth. Not eating well. And it all comes down to pressure. Pressure to post youtube videos. Pressure to perform at work. Pressure to rest my eyes. Pressure to do jiujitsu.

I feel beyond overwhelmed and turn to the only outlet I saw…gaming.

It’s almost as if my unconscious mind felt I really needed to meet my need to succeed and the fastest and easiest way with the lowest chance of failure is to win a game. Makes sense I guess.

In any case, I would like to return to a couple of core tenants.

  1. Extreme focus to deal with the overwhelm. I only need to focus on one thing at a time.
  2. Being there for myself. Asking myself every step of the day, what can I do to be there for myself.

In keeping with the tenant of focus, here are the priorities in order:

  1. Health – let myself take care of myself
  2. Getting work done for my job (to the degree where I feel comfortable)
  3. Youtube