As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
Don’t Show Empathy
He told me
He looked matter a fact
Almost amused
He looked over to my boss
At least that’s what I was told
Because then they will try to negotiate for more
He said
My boss nodded slightly
I asked them how to do this with empathy
And they told me not to
They told me to use words
To make him feel good
As if I valued him
They didn’t know
I’m not scared of this conversation
But I did value him
I don’t need to pretend
But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him
I talked to him today
And he looked at me
And I felt so caged
Unable to meet his eyes
Unable to be honest
They want to wait
To spring it on him all at once
As if this is something that needs to be done
With the fear of retribution in mind
My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on
But I didn’t sleep last night
So tired
Wound up tight
Like something is squeezing my heart shut
Like a hydraulic press
I wonder if it is worth
Being in a place
Where I feel this way
I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.
What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.
I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.
2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.
1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels
1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.
I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.
I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.
My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.
Maybe I will write a poem:
Creaky Knees
When I bend my knee
It feels like I’m grinding
Hinges made of old stone
Like the kind in movies
That open secret magical passages
And grate against themselves
I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again
But the truth is
I don’t know what I want
I am afraid to dream again
Of a world where I can be active
I’m so used to being scared
Of clutching my knee close
So as not to hurt it
I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore
Of flying
Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour
Everything scares me
I feel that
I need to understand this part of myself first
Listen to what it wants to say
“Everything is a danger”
It tells me
The protector of my knee
Of my body
It feels safe to not move at all
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry
Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.
Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.
Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.
Relaxed > Easy > Fast
This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.
This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.
You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.
I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:
Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.
Don’t Show Empathy
He told me
He looked matter a fact
Almost amused
He looked over to my boss
At least that’s what I was told
Because then they will try to negotiate for more
He said
My boss nodded slightly
I asked them how to do this with empathy
And they told me not to
They told me to use words
To make him feel good
As if I valued him
They didn’t know
I’m not scared of this conversation
But I did value him
I don’t need to pretend
But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him
I talked to him today
And he looked at me
And I felt so caged
Unable to meet his eyes
Unable to be honest
They want to wait
To spring it on him all at once
As if this is something that needs to be done
With the fear of retribution in mind
My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on
But I didn’t sleep last night
So tired
Wound up tight
Like something is squeezing my heart shut
Like a hydraulic press
I wonder if it is worth
Being in a place
Where I feel this way
I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.
What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.
I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.
2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.
1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels
1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.
I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.
I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.
My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.
Maybe I will write a poem:
Creaky Knees
When I bend my knee
It feels like I’m grinding
Hinges made of old stone
Like the kind in movies
That open secret magical passages
And grate against themselves
I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again
But the truth is
I don’t know what I want
I am afraid to dream again
Of a world where I can be active
I’m so used to being scared
Of clutching my knee close
So as not to hurt it
I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore
Of flying
Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour
Everything scares me
I feel that
I need to understand this part of myself first
Listen to what it wants to say
“Everything is a danger”
It tells me
The protector of my knee
Of my body
It feels safe to not move at all
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry
Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.
Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.
Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.
Relaxed > Easy > Fast
This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.
This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.
You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.
I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:
Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.
Don’t Show Empathy
He told me
He looked matter a fact
Almost amused
He looked over to my boss
At least that’s what I was told
Because then they will try to negotiate for more
He said
My boss nodded slightly
I asked them how to do this with empathy
And they told me not to
They told me to use words
To make him feel good
As if I valued him
They didn’t know
I’m not scared of this conversation
But I did value him
I don’t need to pretend
But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him
I talked to him today
And he looked at me
And I felt so caged
Unable to meet his eyes
Unable to be honest
They want to wait
To spring it on him all at once
As if this is something that needs to be done
With the fear of retribution in mind
My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on
But I didn’t sleep last night
So tired
Wound up tight
Like something is squeezing my heart shut
Like a hydraulic press
I wonder if it is worth
Being in a place
Where I feel this way
I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.
What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.
I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.
2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.
1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels
1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.
I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.
I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.
My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.
Maybe I will write a poem:
Creaky Knees
When I bend my knee
It feels like I’m grinding
Hinges made of old stone
Like the kind in movies
That open secret magical passages
And grate against themselves
I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again
But the truth is
I don’t know what I want
I am afraid to dream again
Of a world where I can be active
I’m so used to being scared
Of clutching my knee close
So as not to hurt it
I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore
Of flying
Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour
Everything scares me
I feel that
I need to understand this part of myself first
Listen to what it wants to say
“Everything is a danger”
It tells me
The protector of my knee
Of my body
It feels safe to not move at all
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry
Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.
Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.
Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.
Relaxed > Easy > Fast
This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.
This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.
You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.
I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:
Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.