As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
I feel tired.
My body buzzing with pain in my stomach.
My eyes are sluggish.
Last night, I went to bed at 11, but fell asleep after 1AM.
I feel totally drained.
Maybe its time to go back to bed for a little.
So I wrote that at 8 in the morning. I just took a nap after cooking for the entire morning with delicious tea eggs and soup. Then I spent a few hours napping and now I feel much better.
I really think my productivity is so much worse when my health is worse.
More napping, meditation, and exercise in the future! Napping if I’m sleep deprived, meditation and exercise if I’m not.
Today, the aim I want to focus on is content creation. I want to finish my post, and workout and meditate for the rest of the day.
Today I will be playing a lot of Valorant and hopefully processing a lot of the stress and feelings I have around Valorant through the use of poetry.
Pregame Stress
I’ve got knots in my stomach
What if it is another day
Of humiliation
That drop in my stomach
Feeling helpless
Like I’m worth nothing
I go down in rank
The more I play
What is wrong me
That I cannot get better
I hate this
Myself
Me
Hands Sweaty
On my keyboard
Heat on my face
Clenched stomach
It is no wonder
Valorant has such a big impact on me
I wish to let go of my fears
And remember the satisfaction of shooting
I starting to find it a challenge to write poetry because my mind always turns to thinking strategically and thinking in terms of sentanaces and bullet points. I’m going to roll with that. If that is how I feel, we are just going to write in sentences and bullet points.
I feel a bit tired like I’m walking through a haze. I’m scared to start a ranked game, and yet there is an eagerness to gain rr. Gold 1, what could go wrong? Yet I’m scared. HOW DID I GET TO GOLD 1? That’s unhead of. It gives me so much anxiety that I don’t know what is going on.
I want to remind myself of my main valorant tenants:
Some additional tenants:
Goddamn, this fucking omen can’t hit him while he’s moving . Why is Silver Movement so good?????
WHY IS THE RAZE HIDING IN THAT AREA? NO FUCKING COMMS? I hate this team. Why can I not hit shots.
I think I wasn’t aware of the danger I was in when clearing heaven. Maybe need more of that 1v5 mindset. Also, maybe need to notice where my shots are going. Scared but playing again. It is silvers I am with WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY KILLING ME. Counterstrafing, one tapping me??? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?
THIS IS LIKE GOING BACK 2 FUCKING YEARS. I guess what I thought before is that I would never drop this low because I can beat them on gamesense alone.
I feel tired. Why are the braindead idiots getting more kills? I feel a bit better now. I adjusted and I was able to get a bunch of kills in the end. I guess its just about holding better angles.
I don’t like this bullshit bottom fragging. I feel so tired and awful and I feel hungry.
It is interesting that with these reflections I was able to drop 39 kills in one of my games.
It’s been bothering me
All day
All night
Nagging at me
This feeling I cannot place my finger on
Something
Misaligned
The easiest way to see this
Is how much respect
She has for her friend
Wealthy
Privileged
A liar
A cheater
Skips school
Steals for fun
Likes being toxic
Likes fighting people
“Winning” arguments
As if life is handing out prizes
For the most annoying waste of space
Yet somehow
These are not the traits she dislikes
But admires
She loves it when her friend buys her things
She also lies
Also likes to cheat
Also plays mind games
Skips school together
Is envious of the stealing
Tries to be even more toxic
Like fighting people too
She seems to respect her friend so much
A near high school dropout
She claims I won’t be able to handle her
That she will somehow break me emotionally
As if I don’t have years more experience
Intelligence
And self-awareness
And yet
Everything good in this world
That I love
Exploring the world
Learning about math and science
Reading books
Being kind and empathetic
Singing and dancing
Succeeding in school
Being smart and competent
Are all somehow undesirable
Somehow
Cringy
Boring
I don’t know
I’m confused
I don’t understand
What world she even lives in
How can I connect her world with mine
I still love her
And I have no idea
What to do next
It makes me feel
Confused
Afraid
Angry
Unhappy
I Only Felt That Way Once
In the tiktok video
She was aggressively stating “shoulds”
The enemy of “is”
But one stood out to me
If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you
But I only felt that once
I used to think that meant I was in love
But I wonder
Was that love
Or just the honeymoon phase when you see
All the things you want to see
Yet there was a magic there I miss
Of not feeling anxious for a single moment
And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that
Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety
Feeling of frustration
Of shame
I don’t know
I just feel
Doubt
4 AM Again
It is 4 am again
But this time
I feel strange when I wake up
I feel happy when I read her messages
Then guilty
I am so tired
Her emotions are so attractive
My little sloth
Then I remind myself of the feeling
Of being trapped
Unable to leave
Into a life
Alone
Unhappy
Unheard
Anxious
I wonder if it’s her
Or me
That I feel so cold
Alone
I’m trying to understand the right thing to do
But as I write these words
I realize
That the right thing is to sit here
In my depression
Waiting patiently for the answers
To come to me
I Feel Sad
Because I love her
Her emotions like the ocean
I know her
Her little sloth fingers
And I still feel
It is over
I Can Be Brave
I feel overwhelmed
So many emotions
So tired
So much stuff to do
So little time
I tried to keep them down for now
But I realized
I don’t need to
I can work and cry
At the same time
The is one thing
That keeps me from showing everything to her
The true me
All the parts I hide from other people
Is the part of me
I’ve tried to reject
To hide inside
To ignore
She says it makes her want to throw up
That some things are better hidden
And I worry
If she knows
How I dream of her warm skin touching mine
Of raw passion like a hunger
That can’t be satisfied
Until there is nothing
Between us
Not even air
I can’t tell
Where her body ends and mine begins
Our hearts like
Two djembe drums
Under a desert sand
Beating in our veins
Our breath
Like the sound of trees
Swaying in the wind
I don’t want to hide
But if she knows
Will she would see me anew
A monster
And would her love flicker and go out
Extinguished by disgust