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Workpost 54: Fears

Byjack

I’m starting work on the new branding project but I’m feeling some fears:

  1. Fear of failure
  2. Fear of being misunderstood and not heard
  3. Fear of being seen as bad, lazy, unproductive, dumb

I feel trapped. Shoulders, fear in center of chest. I don’t know what to do to be seen as productive.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. Nerves vibing in my chest. Clenched stomach. I don’t know what will work.

I feel like a failure. Pain in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m imagining failing. I feel worthless. Head, chest, cold, numb tingling.

Grounding

I may not satisfy other people’s ideas of productivity, but I can satisfy what I see as productive. I can focus on my personal growth and the growth of my companies.

I don’t know what will work but I know what I can try.

I’m adventuring into new territory – that’s why I don’t know what I’m doing.

This gives me the opportunity to process the I’m unworthy wound.

Reframe

This is my opportunity to help other people grow in what they understand as productivity.

Embrace people knowing what you are working on, practice being proud of your process (like emotional processing). -> Big trigger from dad being skeptical of my process and feeling like I need to justify

Big failure literally always leads to big growth and learning. Let’s chase failure. I shouldn’t feel guilty as failure is all on me.

Ok, that makes me realize a lot of this comes from my dad constantly being skeptical, not trusting me, and dismissing my process. I feel always I need to justify myself.

It leads to a very strong I am trapped wound. Shoulders compressed and pain in chest.

Also some I am misunderstood, I am a failure, I am not trusted.

I wonder if that’s how he was treated? I wonder if he has those wounds too.

To grow from it, it occurs to me that he needed an explanation, a justification, and was skeptical because of his own internalized judgement – not because there was something wrong with me.

His comparison of me with other people was all due to his own shame.

Demanding an explanation is from own lack of trust in himself, he can’t understand my trust in myself.

Additional processing:

I did some more processing later in the day. I felt super tired but I kept feeling pressure to work. I feel fear that if I don’t get a certain amount of work done, that I will be rejected.

My dad would say that I didn’t plan the day out well enough, I was not efficient enough, or that I need to work harder.

I felt that fear in my chest as a I am not good enough wound.

In reframing I came to the conclusion that even though my dad had no boundaries around the amount of energy he could put into work, doesn’t mean I cannot.

I choose to put boundaries around my work, and to stop working or move on when I feel I’ve given as much as I can give within the course of the day.

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Warm Days In The Middle of December

Byjack
Warm Days In the Middle of December

I run on the worn pavement

And it’s warm

So warm it feels like balmy spring

Not the middle of December

It makes wonder

How the fuel in the car

So hot

Can make our world burning up

Those plane flights to those wonderful places

Are the poison that fills the air

A girl who

You want to be with

Likes to hurt other people

For fun

December is sure

A strange month

And all the wonderful paradoxes

Won’t let me get out of my damn head

About it all

Workpost 58: Feeling out of time

Byjack

Recently I’ve been feeling immense pressure with the sensation that I’m somehow running out of time.

I feel a lot of frustration and anger in my chest.

I feel like I have no time anymore to work on the projects, and making progress in my own WordPress. I feel burning rage and frustration in my chest and stomach.

It might be the I am out of control wound.

I’m really angry at myself for procrastinating and not being able to get anything done.

Today I did come up with a really cool idea for an AI benchmark for:

  1. Creative writing
  2. Problem solving
  3. Research
  4. Contracts

I also feel overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much work to do, I don’t know where to start. I am overwhelmed. I am not able to deal with it.

I have a lot of projects I’m working on and it is scary to feel that I don’t know how to handle that.

I feel pressure because there are all difficult challenges that are important to me.

I failed big at succeeding in them…I’m so proud of myself!

This is a good thing. To fail big is to learn big.

The lessons are slowly being revealed.

The first question is…what did I need when I was in the overwhelmed state?

Well, I needed to feel the feelings, to be ok with just processing first.

After feeling the feelings to the fullest, what I need next is to find the courage in myself to face the challenge. To remember that I’m capable of anything.

And after feeling embracing the challenge, thinking tactically how I want to face it, and specifically, what small steps I want to take.

I want to take everything that I know as a small task and add it to my todolist. We will start there.

Tired

Byjack

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m feeling tired lonely and unmotivated.

Feeling into more my feelings, I feel exhausted. Probably need to just hang for a bit.

I went to go hang for a bit and I feel a little better. However, I still feel pretty tired.

One thing that I want to point out is that I at least slept much better last night than previous nights and was able to go to sleep around 1 am instead of 2 or 4.

One of the things that I’ve been struggling with is mewing. Just like last time, I think I don’t know what to do with my jaw. I’m thinking I will focus on keeping the tongue in the top of my mouth and a good posture and not worry about closing my jaw because that feels uncomfortable (and for some reason my mouth gets really dry).

I’m trying to get back into my coaching mindset:

  1. You are in my house – this is a big one because I feel out of control of my life at the moment
  2. Don’t be afraid to be silent
  3. Take risks
  4. Be patient

Well I got an artist interview in about 6 minutes, but after that, I want to go somewhere fun and write about the artist interviews as well as compile my notes.

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Workpost 25: Tired and Weak

Byjack

Tired

I feel so tired

And weak

I just want to sleep

But the worries gnaw at me until I am awake

I look for comfort

Anywhere I can find it

I’m just feeling exhausted and I wonder what it takes to get well rested again. Maybe I can try to take a nap. Right now my physical health is the most important things to me. My eyes ache. My back aches. My sinuses ache.

The main issues that I’m working through is trying to understand what I am selling for coaching and also what I am selling for AI. For coaching I figured out the high price which is 25,000 for helping someone make their dream (creative) project a reality, whether it is a book, video, painting, etc.

I’ve been told multiple times to look for things that might be more affordable, but I actually thought about it a lot and I don’t think I can think of anything like that.

I just want to work on coaching a few clients who want to do something really special, beautiful, and profound.

Turning my attention to AI, I want to do something similar. Make the impossible possible. Provide 10x value, charge high prices.

Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.

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Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty

Byjack

Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.

I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.

The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.

My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.

Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.

Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.

I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.

Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:

So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.

I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.

UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos

  • Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)

UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts

  • Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)

UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process

Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.

So let’s revisit the master plan here.

Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year

I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.

I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.

UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month

  1. Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
    1. Deeply understanding clients
    2. Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
    3. Developing connections clients need
    4. Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
  2. Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
  3. Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
    1. Interview other coaches
    2. Read books
    3. Further brainstorming

UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff

  1. Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
  2. Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
  3. Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)

UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine

  1. Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
  2. Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
  3. Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)

Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.

Goal: Create free products in 1 month

UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research

  1. Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
  2. Collate results, come up with solutions
  3. Research competition

UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products

  1. Planning and gathering materials doing research
  2. Create products

UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development

  1. Testing and creating more products